Harry Potter and Unexpected Life After Hogwarts
by PencilLootz
Summary: Harry and Ginny visit Ron and Hermione and give them news that turns their world upside down. Takes place in 2005. Harry/Ginny, Ron/Hermione, Ginny/Hermione, Sirius/Remus, Luna/Ron
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note: Please ignore the technicalities that would make this story impossible. Me and my friend just wrote this for a laugh.  
>The year is 2005. Harry and Ginny and Ron and Hermione are married. <strong>

* * *

><p>"Ron, get the door!" Hermione shouted.<p>

Ron groaned as he put down his Red Vines and walked to the door. He opened it to find his sister and best friend of the doorstep.

"Harry! Ginny!" He exclaimed giving them both a huge hug, "It's so great to see you!"

"Ron… We live next door" Ginny said slowly.

Ron mumbled something about 'technicalities' and stood to the side so they could come in. Hermione came down the stairs and greeted them. They all went into the living room and Ron grabbed his Red Vines and continued to eat them.

"What would everyone like to drink?" Hermione asked as she walked into the kitchen.

"BUTTERBEER!" Ron shouted quickly.

There was a small silence in which Hermione shot Ron a withering glare.

"Same please" Harry said looking at Hermione.

"I'll just have a water" Ginny said softly.

"Water? Are you insane?" Ron asked his sister.

"No Ronald. Just not a drunk"

Ron made a rude hand gesture, which did not go unnoticed by Hermione.

"RON!" She exclaimed.

Ron hung his head and sat down.

A few minutes later, after a brief catch-up, Ginny sat up straight in her chair.

"I have something I need to say. It's kind of important and slightly awkward"

"You met Lockhart, Hagrid and a Thestral in a bar" Ron said sitting upright and pointing at Ginny.

"No… Why would that have happened?"

"It was in my dream. And my dreams always come true" Ron said defensively.

"Including the one where you actually finished _Hogwarts: A History_" Hermione asked.

"NO!" Ron said, shuddering at the thought, "Like the one where I was in school, naked"

Harry choked on his butterbeer and Hermione raised her eyebrows.

"Moving on…" Ginny said after a slightly awkward pause, "That wasn't my news. My news is… I'm pregnant"

"Oh My Wizard God! That's great Ginny!" Hermione said clapping her hands together.

"And it's yours Hermione" Ginny said biting her nail.

Harry choked on his butterbeer for the second time.

"Blimey, a baby" Ron said, as if he'd never heard of such a thing before.

No body said anything as they waited for Ron to understand. He was taking a huge sip of his butterbeer when it hit him. He spouted the butterbeer out of his mouth and onto the cat that had unfortunately chosen that moment to walk in.

"What?" Ron exclaimed with butterbeer dripping down his chin.

"Ginny…" Hermione said softly, unsure of what to say.

"When did- ? How did -? What did- ? Oh My Wizard God!" Harry said.

"Last month. At Bill and Fleur's Wedding Anniversary. You two got drunk out of your minds and began snogging each other" Ginny said pointing at Harry and Ron.

Harry began to, once again, choke on his butterbeer whilst Ron began spluttering incoherent words.

"We never!" Ron finally managed to say.

"We have pictures!" Hermione said triumphantly.

Neither Harry nor Ron knew what to say about this.

"Anyway, Hermione and I got rather jealous so to try and make you two jealous we began kissing. You two were so engrossed with what you were doing that you didn't even notice us! Everyone else did" Ginny began.

"I think if two girls were kissing in front of us we'd have noticed!" Ron said quickly.

"Nope. You seemed to be much more interested in playing tonsil tennis with Harry and trying to remove his belt" Hermione said.

Harry choked on his butterbeer although this time with much of the liquid choosing his nostrils as it's means of departure. Ron quickly stood up and moved to sit on the other side of the room from Harry.

"Whilst you two were going at it, Hermione and I also got rather engrossed so we moved upstairs and…"

Ron stared at her expectantly.

"You get the picture" Hermione said quickly.

"I don't" Ron said putting his hand in the air.

"What we did last Saturday Ron" Hermione said placing her hand on his shoulder.

"Ah, that was fu – Wait what!" As he suddenly understood what Ginny was implying.

"It was a mistake and we were probably also slightly drunk but now we have to deal with this" Ginny said, looking at Hermione.

Hermione nodded and looked at her husband who was eating his Red Vines with a sour expression on his face. She then looked at her best friend who was wiping the butterbeer off his trousers. She then looked back at Ginny, the woman who was pregnant with her child. What were they going to do? She cast her mind back to 1998, which was when the Battle of Hogwarts had happened. Voldemort…Baby. Baby…Voldemort. Whichever way you looked at it, Voldemort was the preferred option.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Next Chapter: <strong>Luna comes to visit the Potter/Weasley's with the Giant Squid in tow. Ron develops a drinking problem. _  
><strong>It's Gonna Be Totally Awesome! <strong>


	2. Chapter 2

A week had passed since Ginny had dropped the baby-shaped bombshell onto everyone's lives. Harry and Ron were acting as though nothing had been revealed although Ron had picked up the habit of drinking Firewhiskey more often than was healthy. Hermione on the other hand was doing everything she could to make Ginny comfortable. Ginny seemed to be at the Weasley's house more than she was at her own (much to Harry's annoyance).

On Saturday morning Harry was alone in his house. He didn't know where Ginny was but he guessed she was with Hermione. He'd just finished writing a letter to Hagrid, asking how the new batch of Blast-Ended Skrewts were, when the doorbell rang. Harry stood up and walked towards the door. He opened it and he smiled.

"Luna!" He said pulling her into hug.

His eye widened as he looked over her shoulder.

"Luna" He said without breaking the hug, "It's lovely to see you but why on earth is the Giant Squid in my street?"

"Well I felt sorry for him, sitting in that lake year after year. I though he deserved a little holiday" Luna said, breaking away from Harry and turning to look at the squid.

"So you brought him to a semi-detached in Slough? I don't think he'll fit in the guest bedroom"

There was a loud slam from beside them. They looked over to see Ron walking towards them.

"They're getting all girly in there and why is there a squid in the street?" He said walking towards them.

"Luna thought he deserved a holiday" Harry informed him.

"Hi Luna. I've missed the way you think" Ron said giving Luna an affectionate hug.

"Is Ginny with you?" Harry asked.

"No. She's with Hermione" Ron said pointing at the house and taking a swig of firewhiskey.

"Is she pregnant?" Luna asked dreamily.

Harry and Ron looked at her.

"You never cease to amaze me" Ron said.

There was a loud crash and the trio turned to see that the Giant Squid had made itself comfortable on top of Ron's car.

"LUNA!" Ron yelled.

"Don't worry about it. Your car's only broken a bit"

Ron stared at her, "Did I do something to you?"

"No. Hermione called the Quibbler rubbish though"

"When did she say that?" Harry asked. He could only remember Hermione being positive about the magazine.

"On the Hogwarts Express during my fourth year"

"You mean ten years ago?" Harry said.

"Nargles hold grudges"

"You're not a nargle" Ron said, although he looked doubtful. He'd never quite got round to asking what a nargle was.

"No, but I admire many of their attributes"

Harry shook his head and placed his arms around Luna's shoulders. He guided her towards the Weasley's house.

"It's nice to see you again Luna"

Luna settled into the Potter household well. The Squid didn't. Every day someone would scream and everyone knew it was Squid-related. The Squid had so far succeeded in breaking Ron's car, Ginny's greenhouse, Hermione's bookcase and Harry's broom shed. Ginny found it a miracle that's Ron's drink cabinet was still intact however Hermione knew it was because Ron was guarding it with his life. There was a terrifying moment when everyone thought the Squid had killed the cat but luckily the cat had just been hiding underneath a jumper.

"I can't take that thing anymore!" Ron cried after two weeks had gone by, "Luna, please do something with it"

"Ron, he deserves a break from the lake. The Grindylows were bullying him" Luna said, looking at him over her upside-down Quibbler.

"They're like an eighth of its size!"

Harry chose this moment to enter, breaking the beginning of what could have been a nasty argument.

"Oh my Rowling, It stinks like a brewery in here!" He said holding his nose.

Ron looked down at the firewhiskey in his hand.

"Oh" was all he said.

"Have you been drinking all day?" Harry asked.

"I can't remember" Ron said.

"Luna, how is this not bothering you?"

"Daddy and I went hunting for Crumple-Horned Snorkacks last summer. That was an unbearable smell"

"Yeah, Be glad I'm not drinking that then" Ron said smugly, sitting down. The effect was ruined by the fact that he missed the chair. He didn't seem fazed by this as he just curled up on the floor.

"Ron?" Harry asked.

Ron said nothing; he just moved to grab his bottle of firewhiskey and hugged it to his chest. Harry and Luna looked at each other for a moment. Harry slowly walked towards his best friend.

"Ron, sit up"

Ron did so and he began talking immediately.

"Why should I? My wife is having a baby with your wife, who happens to be my sister, there's a giant squid that's taking over my house, you and I kissed and I still can't bring myself to open _Hogwarts: A History_"

As Ron finished speaking he slumped back onto the floor. Harry didn't quite know what to say. Luckily Ron started snoring so Harry didn't need to think of anything.

Hermione entered the room, she'd clearly overheard what Ron had just said.

"It sucks to be him" she said looking at her husband affectionately.

"He doesn't deal with pressure very well does he?" Harry said.

"You were with him during the exams at school. You know how he handles it"

"He didn't drink at school"

"He wanted to"

"What are we going to do Hermione? Not just about Ron. About Ginny and the baby and everything!"

"I don't know Harry. I just don't hope it doesn't get any more complicated"

There was a small silence, which was broken by the mildly surprised sound of Luna's voice,

"I've been reading my Quibbler upside down"


	3. Chapter 3

It was a warm night in Slough, and Harry Potter couldn't sleep. He had tried all his usual tactics, like counting hippogriffs and imagining himself back in a Trelawney Divination lesson, but it was no use. He considered brewing some sort of sleeping draught, but potions had never been his strong point, except in his sixth year. Ironically, one of the only potions Harry knew how to concoct was also one of the most difficult: Polyjuice Potion, Harry having made it with Ron and Hermione so many times during his seven-year-long battle against Lord Voldemort. It was a well-known fact that you didn't beat Voldemort by falling asleep, so that had been one of the many potions he had never bothered to learn how to make. No, he reasoned. A potion would not be a good idea. He'd probably end up with custard pouring from his eyes...

Then a flash of genius hit him: a few weeks ago Hermione had given him a book, and you could usually count on Hermione to choose books that were exceedingly long and dull and complicated. He got out of the bed and went to the bookshelf – _Ezzelthrod the Enraged: How he became the Muggle minister for_... But Harry's eyes had already closed, and he realised triumphantly that the book was already working on sending him to sleep.

'Thanks Hermione' he whispered.

As he crawled back under the covers with the book clutched in his hand, he looked over at Ginny. She was asleep and _The Witch's Guide to Pregnancy_ lay next to her on the bedside table. Her red hair had fallen over her face but through it Harry could see a small crease of worry on her forehead. 'Hermione always has to be the best at everything' thought Harry – 'best at Charms, best at Transfiguration, even best at getting my wife pregnant'. Moodily he opened up the book and began to read.

Suddenly there came a noise from downstairs, like someone talking indistinctly. Luna perhaps, up for a midnight snack? But no, it sounded like there were two people. Maybe Luna had taught the Giant Squid to talk. He wouldn't put it past her. But as Harry listened closer he realised that both voices were male, and somehow familiar. He couldn't quite place them, they were so quiet, but for some reason they made him feel very, very sad.

Harry threw back the covers and made his way to the door.

'Lumos', he whispered, and his wand tip started to emit a bright yellow glow that illuminated the staircase. Harry crept down the stairs and wondered who these people were. Perhaps it was burglars. Harry was at the bottom of the stairs now, and he turned right. Harry walked along the corridor, towards the kitchen door and grasped the handle, turning it swiftly and throwing the door wide open.

There were three unusual things about the scene which greeted him, three things that would almost certainly have made him choke on his Butterbeer, had had he been drinking any at the time.

The first was that Harry could plainly see that his midnight mutterers were none other than the now pearl-white and transparent forms of Sirius Black and Remus Lupin, two men who he had not seen since their deaths in 1996 and 1998 respectively.

The second was that these two ghosts were locked in a passionate kiss.

The third is slightly less important to our story, however the fact cannot be denied that Harry was very surprised to see that the spoon drawer appeared to have become a nest for nifflers (the name 'Hagrid' sprang to the forefront of Harry's mind).

Remus and Sirius still hadn't broken the kiss; their eyes were closed rapturously and to Harry's great embarrassment Sirius had now begun to throw off Lupin's cloak and unbutton his robes. Harry turned and fled back up to his room, his brain exploding with these new revelations.

As he came in to the room the duvet on the bed stirred and Ginny emerged, rubbing her eyes.

'Harry!' she said 'what are you doing out of bed?'

'Oh, nothing' Harry replied. 'I just went downstairs to investigate some noises I could hear and I found the ghosts of Remus and Sirius getting it on next to the dishwasher.'

Ginny's eyes popped. 'What? Remus and Sirius, _here?_ _Ghosts?_ We have to go down and talk to them! It's been years since they died – we never knew they were ghosts!

'Ginny' said Harry wearily, like a man who has seen too much and understood too little in too short a space of time at too late at night 'I think they're a bit preoccupied right now.'

Ginny giggled. Then her face clouded over: 'But what about Tonks?'

_Meanwhile, in the kitchen..._

'Oh Remus, I love you! Tell me you never loved Tonks!'

'But I did, Sirius. A bit. But I haven't seen her since shortly after we died; we were separated. Actually, I think she was sent to hell. I knew she was lying when she said she didn't murder Professor Merrythought!'

_Meanwhile, in Hell..._

'Tonks… you are simply the most attractive woman I have ever met, much better than that _irritating_ Bellatrix Lestrange who would never shut up about how loyal she was to me... It was good to know that I had a Death Eater on whom I could _completely_ rely, but it got so _tiresome_ after a while...'

'And you, _Lord_ Voldemort...well...you are powerful, and clever, and you have the most beautiful eyes...I think I love you.'

_Flames leap around the couple and smoke rises mushrooming over their heads, obscuring them from view._

Up in his bedroom, Harry's eyes drifted shut. _Ezzelthrod the Enraged _slipped out of his hand and onto the floor. He then passed, slowly, into strange dreams where Ginny gave birth to a boxful of nifflers, and Harry cooked the transparent forms of Remus and Sirius in a large cauldron whilst a warty goblin in a suit and tie looked on, making notes.


	4. Chapter 4

Harry wasn't sure how much time had passed. All he knew was that Ginny now had a very visible baby-bump. Oh, and the Giant Squid had finally managed to break Ron's liquor cabinet (which they still hadn't heard the end of). There had been no more sightings of the ghosts of Remus and Sirius and Harry was wondering what they might be up to. Actually, take that back. He'd rather not know.

It was a Sunday evening and Harry was sitting in the Weasley's living room reading _Quidditch Through The Ages. _Ginny came in and sat on his lap. They were talking softly when there was a loud BANG from the kitchen. Ginny jumped and moved closer to Harry, who put his arms around her protectively.

"What was that?" Hermione asked walking into the room.

"It might have been a Humdinger. I heard there was one looking for me" Luna said, materialising out of no where.

Hermione slowly edged towards the kitchen. Before she reached it the door flew open… and something fell into the living room.

"Dobby!" Everyone exclaimed.

"Harry Potter!" The elf squealed delightedly, "Dobby heard he was living in Slough. It took Dobby ages to find the right house though.I might have scared a few muggles"

"It's great too see you Dobby but… urm… aren't you dead?" Harry said.

"No sir. Dobby thought he died but… it is difficult sir, Dobby wonders where to begin"

"Well why don't you sit down?" Harry asked politely.

"Déjà vu!" Dobby said jumping up and down causing his bat-like ears to flop wildly.

Harry smiled, for that was one of the first things he had ever said to Dobby. Luckily the reactions were different because Harry didn't think he could afford to buy a new lamp if Dobby broke it by smashing his head against it.

"What's déjà vu?" Ron said stumbling into the room.

"Master Weasley!" Dobby said running over to greet him.

"Hey elf, Dobby" Ron said with a hiccup.

He held out his hand but as Dobby reached out to shake it, Ron passed out.

Dobby looked incredibly shocked for a moment until Hermione said gently,

"Don't worry Dobby. He's always like that these days"

"I is very sorry Miss" Dobby said sadly looking down at Ron.

"How about a catch-up?" Ginny suggested, "You can tell us why you're alive"

The elf nodded eagerly and everyone moved into the kitchen so they could sit at the table. Luna stayed in the living room and prodded Ron gently.

"Ron?" She asked gently.

Ron moved very quickly and grabbed Luna's face. He tried to pull her down but she resisted.

"Ron what are you doing?"

"I love you Luna. I love you and your weird ways. Lovegood rules!"

"Ron, you're married" Luna said gently removing Ron's hands from her face.

"And my wife is having a baby with my best friends wife. It's messing up my family tree" Ron said sitting up.

He began to hug his knees and rock backwards and forwards.

"You're a mess aren't you Ron. What would cheer you up?"

"You loving me"

"Anything else?"

"FIREWHISKEY!"

Luna jumped at the volume.

"I think you've had enough" Luna said gently.

Hermione had come out of the kitchen, probably due to Ron's shouting.

"Sweetie, let's take you to bed" She said crouching next to her husband.

"Only if Luna comes with me" Ron said looking at the blonde woman.

Hermione raised her eyebrows but said nothing. Slowly the trio made their way upstairs. It took half an hour to get Ron to fall asleep. The two women looked at each other. What had their lives become?

* * *

><p>Harry still hadn't understood how Dobby was alive but he wasn't going to complain. The one that that did concern him was that Dobby knew all about Ginny's pregnancy. He said he couldn't remember who had told him though. Another thing that Harry had learnt was that the Giant Squid and Dobby DID NOT GET ON. It had reached the point where Harry was starting to believe they had a history together. Every day one of them would be pulling a prank on the other.<p>

"I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!" Ginny yelled at the dinner table a week later.

Granted her pregnancy hormones did make her moody but Harry could completely understand this outburst.

"Ginny, we need to let them be themselves. There's no use in them playing nice" Luna said softly.

"There's plenty of use! It would restore peace to this house!"

Harry doubted that that was true. Even without Dobby and the Giant Squid there'd still be a lot of chaos. Of course he wasn't going to point this out.

Hermione apparated into the kitchen.

"I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!" She yelled.

"Déjà vu" Harry said under his breath, "Why does that keep happening?"

"The Squid has broken the cot that I bought and Dobby has punctured the paddling pool so the Squid has no water. WHAT DID I EVER DO TO THEM?"

"You let them - "

"And Ron's been no use. He's either drunk, passed out or talking about Luna" Hermione said sinking into a chair and putting her head on the table.

"Sorry. I suspect he's been attacked by a swarm of Wrackspurts. They've been known to cause permanent damage" Luna said gazing into space.

"I just want my life back" Hermione said.

"Me too" Ginny said placing her hand on Hermione's head.

"Me three" Harry added placing his hand on Ginny's head, as it seemed to be what everyone was doing.

"I just wish I had some Red Vines" Luna said.

Everyone turned to look at her.

"What? Ron keeps talking about them so I'd like to try one"

"There's a box in the cupboard under the stairs" Hermione said wearily.

"Totally Awesome" Luna said as she disappeared.

"What are we going to - " Harry began but was cut off by Ginny's shriek.

"Ginny?" Harry and Hermione said simultaneously.

"The baby. It just kicked"

Harry and Hermione looked at each other then quickly put their hands on Ginny's stomach. Sure enough they felt a rhythmic kicking.

"Oh My Wizard God" Hermione said in amazement.

"That's - " Harry couldn't even finish his sentence. He didn't need to.

No matter what was going to happen, Harry finally felt hope. Maybe this wasn't as bad as he thought it was. He thought to himself: _I'm the Boy Who Lived. The Chosen One. If anyone can do this, I can._


End file.
